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empty_gaze's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, December 29th, 2005 | | 1:11 am |
preponderance
I know in the past, a lot of my journal entries have been about love, or being in love, or even how my love life is going. Well what can I say, i'm still something of a hopeless romantic. Someone asked me a while back why I love Matt so much. I was drinking at the time and couldn't really put my finger on it....to be frank I still can't really. But at the time I went with "I love the way he challenges me". I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it but the person responded with "that's not a very good reason to love someone". Like i said..we were drinking. And yet..at the same time....it is a good reason to love someone. I think the person you love should dare you to do things, I think someone referred to as "your better half" or what not should bring things out of you that you didn't know you could do. Loving more deeply than you knew you were capable of. I love Matt in many different ways that are hard to articulate and be poingnent about. The way he looks at me when we're laughing. The way he looks at me and is silent, just staring, or gazing...however you'd like to look at it. I love the way he tries to be different for me. The way he tries to be better because I challenge him to be so. I love telling him I love him, knowing he knows how I feel. But the nicest realization to date was knowing that it was his face I wanted most to see before I closed my eyes every night. But then there's the down side of love, of loving someone. The ideal fantasy of love is something that is never realized. Life's not perfect, and love is subject to life's whims. But what does one do when the love of their life is lost? When the person you love the most is taken away from you. What do you do when their life ends? What would I do, if I could never see Matt smile again? Hear his voice? Feel his arms around me? When all the cries, screams and bargins with the devil would do nothing to bring back the one person I love the most. How do people live through that sort of thing? Because in all honesty, and life is calously honest, people live through it every day. They carry on, they continue to live. To find something else to live for, if not only for themselves. Its not something I like to think about....but it crosses my mind from time to time. | | Friday, December 16th, 2005 | | 10:41 am |
Back from the dead
Holy God I've risen from the dead!...LOL actually to be quite honest I've been whoring myself out to myspace over the last several weeks. I know I'm a heretic and deserve to be burned at the stake!!! Oh well... So what to tell...everyone that would read this thing already pretty much know what's been goin on in my life. Broke up with Matt at the end of September. Got back together on Halloween. Failed my portfolio review two weeks ago and am now working on not loosing my mind being stuck in school for an extra three months. I'm broke..I can't Christmas shop for anyone..but the bill keep comin in...whopeee! I've made some new friends whom i've fallen in love with..they're a great bunch of guys..and actually fill the ranks of gentlemen in demeanor and practice....cool! I'm stuck in school for the time being...i'm supposed to give Matt a ride and can't find him right now...and while I wouldn't have a problem leaving him here....well...yea...yea I would. No big. Lost my atm card last night...or at least realized that it was lost...not worried though...its for atm's only and you can't use it without the pin number, so its pretty useless to anyone that finds it....*crosses fingers* I hope. Even if..I don't have any money to take anyhow. LOL S'cool...i'll get myself a new one when i get home today. Its graduation day here at school...I'm goin to see my friend Shaun walk...he might just hawk his hair..and there's no way I'm gonna miss that. Specially if he's in a suite...that would be worth the wait! Not much else to say besides Happy Birthday Geoff! aaaaand yea...life is boring : ) | | Monday, October 24th, 2005 | | 7:33 am |
Complications of the flesh
AAAAAGH! I really thought I had things figured out this time! As it stands now, my relationship with Matt is more complicated than it was when we were in a "relationship" *Bangs head on desk* Not to mention that now I am spoken for, it seems his four year old niece is set on marrying me :D I love that kid, she's so cool. But I digress. Maybe I should have listened to everyone around me when they told me to be an "out of touch" friend. To give myself time to "get over" him. Quite honestly I knew that was never going to happen, how do you get over someone you know has your heart fully and completely, forever? No matter how it hurt the first time we spoke there was an enormous relief at speaking again to one of the only people who know me so well. Our break up, quite honestly had to happen, we were driving each other insane. It's too much between us to try and take care of school at the same time. I might be stupid for seeing it this way but I think he had the strength to do what I couldn't. I can't leave behind someone I care about. And whether my mom, or dad, or sister's or friends like it, or not its the truth. More so than just because he is the first man I've ever fallen in love with, I knew that we shared the same love for each other. I never asked for a proposal, he asked me if I would spend the rest of my life with him! Granted there was no way I was going to as I was 20 and only about half way done school, but I knew for my future, I wanted to be with him. Over the last several years I've made a bad habit of deferring to others to decide what is right for me. I hid behind self doubt and a mantra of "I usually make the wrong decisions" and I am sick of this position. It is my life to live and I can't be so scared of it. I know now there is a time and a place in seeking advice from others. And while wisdom may escape me for now, experience does not have to. No one should be able to live my life for me, whether they have the best intentions or not. They do not feel what I feel, and I'm learning that most people do not see things the same way that I see them. Starting now I am relying on what I feel, and what I know. Good or bad I know I will survive the outcome, and whatever it may be, I will learn my lessons. I won't have any more regrets in my life. I don't like them, they make me feel as though I've missed something special. I never had any regrets about my relationship with Matt, and I never intend to, no matter what happens. His eyes are still the same ones I've stared into before. They still hold the same beautiful person I fell in love, and am still in love with. He still makes me laugh, and knows what I think inside and out. And he still wraps his arms around me in the same way that makes me feel safer than I've ever felt before. I'm not worrying about what might happen in the future, if fate has him in store for me, its down the road a bit. For now, I am content. Current Mood:  content | | Friday, October 14th, 2005 | | 12:09 am |
Another step backward
*Sigh* utter frustration is what comes to mind, amid the self loathing and the familiar want of solice, peace and nothingness. God what i wouldn't give to be more easy going, the way im "supposed" to be. Instead of just settling for not right. I'm just not right. Nothing fits nothing works, and my self hatred is, as always, justified. Wonder-fucking-full! When do i just get to be like anyone, everyone else?? When does my natural unhindered personality not annoy everyone around me? When do i do as everyone asks and just "grow up"?? Because i try, every fucking day i wake up Im trying, and it never is enough. So what no one knows is that even after they express their anger, or move past a situation, as they rightly should, there's really nothing more i can do. What does it take? How does one become paletable? No one knows because they don't have to try to be likeable...apparently i do. Because no matter what I'm always awkward. I accept the emotional rebuke, and the hits to the ego. Knock it down i don't have one! So if its not about ego, and its not about pride, and I feel worthless, and like a piece of shit, and I feel lucky that i have the few friends that i do have...what else do i have to do? Matt left me cause he couldn't stand me. I have only one or two friends because im not worth anything to anyone else. My family knows im a shit, its concieveable that its all true. I don't deny it. But what do i do to change it, because so far the only thing i've managed to do is prove everyone right. well "fuck me" i guess then. maybe if i can stop talking i'll just fade away. | | Wednesday, October 5th, 2005 | | 10:53 am |
Still hurting
I can't even get away from it on the internet. Every hollow thing he says, and every empty gesture he makes just drives home that much more how much it all hurts. I hate this girl, and i hate him even more for the entire thing. And at the same time...i do still love him, and would forgive matt in a second. This is not to say that I don't hate the fact that i would. I do like the people I've met, and there is interest there, but inside, its all still very raw. Forge ahead, don't look back, and just wait until the day that everything gets better...if ever. Current Mood:  depressed | | Tuesday, September 27th, 2005 | | 10:03 am |
| | Saturday, September 24th, 2005 | | 12:15 am |
so much worth hesitation
So something bad happened the other day. My older sister got off the train from work and went to get into her car, only to find her back window shattered, all over her back seat. And a huge gaping whole where her cd player used to be. She called home and talked to my parents before she called the cops, and my dad and I went over to wait with her until the police came *here i'll take an aside and say FUCK THE COPS! Im sorry...someone tells you they got robbed...that they're alone in a parking lot with their car having been broken into and then you fucking show up almost 2 hours later???? IS THERE ONE COP IN ALL OF FUCKING PHILADELPHIA!!!!!* We drove over, and it was one of the worst things I'd ever seen honestly. There was glass all over her back seat, and twisted wires, and cracked plastic, but that wasn't really the bad part. It was because it was my sister, and when she finally cracked and cried to my dad, I'd never felt such seething rage and hatred in my life. HOW THE FUCK DARE SOMEONE! And believe me when I say i entertained thoughts of acid melting, castration preforming, blood and guts twisting retribution. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS SHIT BAG THINK THEY ARE TO TAKE AND DESTROY SOMETHING THAT ISN'T THEIRS! YOU DESERVE TO BE SKINNED ALIVE! A cascade of horrific wishes, and racial slurs were all I could think. I deep burning hatred for any "low class" representative that I saw smoking their vanilla cigars, or bouncing their basketballs, with their shorts hanging down to their ankles in their designer specific labels. I really wanted to wish for something horrible to happen to this person, instead i prayed for justice for my sister. And yet today...when i think about it, i find myself hating that i can think such things about another race. Trying to justify hate is possibly one of the more wretched waste of times you can pursue. And I know i personally react to things with anger first, but never like this before. Never so that after, i felt bad about allowing such hate to even be in me. And i don't justify it by saying its learned, or that its an influence of society. I've come to accept that its inside me, i'm not better, and no more tolerant than anyone else who hates, though i've tried to be in my life. I've tried to be open, and compassionate, unfortunately it ends when it comes to my family. I have no compassion for those who would do things like this to someone I love. And while this makes me sad, to know that it has to be this way, because I have no clue how to change something so deeply embedded in my heart, I can at least atone for it, with compassion in other areas.....right?? Current Mood:  a little sad | | Wednesday, September 7th, 2005 | | 10:15 pm |
Another night
So today was today. Had logic class which dragged on forever, not that it normally doesn't mind you, but today people made their presentations. We started off with just three or four, and then sweet jeebus, everyone pulled a presentation out of their ass! And mind you, the presentation was only supposed to be a short synopsis of the topic you chose to write about, several people didn't know what a short synopsis meant so the just stood there and read their fucking papers! I don't know, i just loose all patience when people start doing what i call stop reading. Its that slow, choppy disjointed reading people do because they don't read enough. y oou do nt pronounce wooords higher and lower and go all over the fucking place! AAAH i have no patience for it. I feel like foamy..."If you want to practice reading out loud, don't fucking do it on me!" ya know? Matt came back with me today cause it was my turn to make dinner, so i made sloppy joe's for everybody. And i'm not even going to get into what a fiasco that almost turned out to be, far too much frustration for a meat sandwhich let me tell you. Then he took me out to see the brother's grimm. That, was, interesting. And that's all im going to say about that! Lol. I dozed off on about 10/15 minuets of it, sorry...i was tired, but from the look on matt's face, it wasn't easy to follow even if you stayed awake! The character developement was, strange at best. The story line was a little trippy. And there was this whole part about matt damon and heath ledger kissing, but i'll let you see the movie to know what im talking about. Dropped matt off at North Hills so he could get back into town and spend the night at Brian's, and as soon as he calls me to let me know he's there im hittin the hay. Get up about 4 am and just start working, believe it or not its when i work best. Aaaaaany who until next time! Current Mood: happy | | Saturday, August 27th, 2005 | | 11:21 pm |
The general hub-bub
I like the general hub-bub of things, its nice. School works goin well for once, and my internship just gets better and better...cause now its turned into a part time job. Yup, that's right boy's and girls..I'm marketable! Hehe...Angie asked me about it the other day...so i should be a real life contracted worker in just about a week or two, being paid actual money for playin around in max...who'da thunk it?! I'm fairly happy with everything overall. Matt and I haven't had a fight in, god i don't even remember the last time we had a fight. Otakon was great fun. And now I get to look forward to a fun little party next saturday. Wow...i just saw an advertisement for laguna beach...now here's the kicker, i've seen the show. And the show's fairly bad. The preview for the show however...makes it look 10 times worse. LOL I thought it was supposed to entice you to watch it? : ) I'm so not stressed right now, and I love it. My condolences to those who are, Geoff, and Paul...I'm sorry guys...I wuv u...just keep truckin :) Doom De Doom Doom Doom Doom Doom! C ya Current Mood: happy | | Wednesday, August 17th, 2005 | | 5:52 pm |
Meh
I have to laugh..cause if Im the one being "Soo 7th grade" and dramatic I have to wonder why everyone else even gives a damn. If its all on me then what does anyone else care? Quite frankly I'm not going to delve into other people character flaws and relationship problems, even though they've what? tried to get to me with that? Not happening. Its not condusive to anything. I'm not isolating myself, I'm writing down my thoughts in my space. I don't care who reads them, I don't care what you think of them, because they're mine and im entitled to them. Just as everyone else is. No one owes anyone anything that's true...but then why get so up in arms when i write something down. If you don't owe me anything...what do i owe you? And its thought I'm the one who needs to chill. Its wonderful that someone might try and scramble to help me out, but ummm...if they tell me nothing...i really can't know anything can i. Honestly I don't care. Cause it got taken care of, so one more non issue. You see it as self ritiousness, fine...you might not be wrong. But I see it as something else. And i don't care about the differene. Current Mood:  apathetic | | 8:47 am |
unknown entry
ugh they're coming out with a transporter 2...how do they get funding for stuff like that? The first one wasn't very good, how could the grosses justify making a second??? Not a whole lot to say, don't care about much. And don't much care what anyone says. I'm not worrying about anything anymore. If bridges are burned then they are, i hope it lights my way. I make calls as I see em. Skewed or not Im not making excuses. I just don't care. Because whether its a drama or not, life continues. I'm choosing not. | | Tuesday, August 16th, 2005 | | 6:49 pm |
Liberation
I can't wait to graduate. My internship is going great...my boss is taking me on interviews to other companies and referring to me as if I'm an employee...which i kinda am since he's paying me. HOLY SHIT! I can't wait for otakon..three days to hang out bum around baltimore YAY. had a little scare with accomidations and i had to call friends in "just in case" lucky things panned out and i didn't have to try and depend on anyone cause no one is dependible. Jason never answers his phone..which isn't unusual, and ryan's line of "I'll get back to you" seems to be just that...a line. And if other stuff is going on...fuck all if i care..no one tells me anything..they just leave me hangin. Specially since now i don't even get a reply to phone calls..oh well can't say i didn't see this coming. I'm just moving on in life, and I'm actually not feeling too bad about it. I'm not letting things bug me anymore, and I'm actually accomplishing stuff...makes me wonder if caring for my "friends" was just holding me back...would be fitting if it were. I intend to thoroughly enjoy this trip and not give a flying fuck what happens to try and louse it up. Current Mood: no longer hindered | | Thursday, August 11th, 2005 | | 3:29 pm |
here's my new picture to everything I thought that i should care about. I recently found out i don't need to. | | Sunday, August 7th, 2005 | | 10:28 am |
hiatus needed
Well...nother bad week. Matt and I finally imploded on each other. I thought things had been going well...guess it was just a matter of time before all the little things about us finally had to burn up. In my opinion we're kinda on a break right now. He told me he wanted one...then he told me he didn't...only now i kinda do cause he did..its all very annoying. One thing though...i'm tired of the drama. And im tired of working so hard at this. If its meant to be it'll be...but as of right now, 2 years of work aside, i could move on if i had to. I'm making no decisions, or judgements until I talk to him...which hasn't been too doable lately as we've both been working a lot and now he's sick...if i believe that...I'm not sure what to believe, and I'm not gonna worry about it either. I got shit to do, I'm getting my life started. If he wants to be in it...he will be. Current Mood: calm | | Friday, July 22nd, 2005 | | 11:59 pm |
mmmmm....pizza
Mind is a little scattered right now...seeing as I'm a might tipsy. But hey..I might have a job..out of college..I might have a job with the company I'm interning with...HOLY SHIT! Even more uncanny is that...it might end up being before I graduate...depending on whether or not i take a quarter off to work...I don't think i want to at this point...but we'll see what happens. Had a nice night tonight..went out with matt and tim. Unfortunately paul didn't wanna come hang out with us...im determined to get him to have some fun that doesn't involve staying at home all night. specially in light of new unfolding events. Sorry...I'm always on his side..I know paul too well not to be. Sorry...i'm always for my friends..everyone else can go fuck themselves! Current Mood: tipsy | | Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 | | 9:55 am |
The world around me
i look at the world around me...and everything seems fractured, held together by the most delicate and fragile of adhesive. Things that seemed very strong are not so underneath. And more than once have i questioned the reality of truth. The summer always seems to bring change for me. Always a dramatic turn during these hot days. The only comfort I take is that my own life seems to be stabling out. My work is going well, my internship even better. I'm having a good income streak at OG...which i've probably just jinxed myself into ending, lol and my relationship with matt just gets better every day, even when we fight now, we both end up learning more than we regret I think. I dunno..maybe its just time for my luck to change. Point is, I'm happy and right now, I can't wait to see what happens next. Current Mood: happy | | Wednesday, July 13th, 2005 | | 3:43 am |
Ok here's the real one...
Aside from what my previous post looks like I do have something to actually say..LOL. I mean..i do still feel like...i don't wanna say it but..."somebody's watching me" THERE! OK! I SAID IT....SHUT UP! Got a few disturbing messages tonight. It really bothers me to think that one of my friends is really unhappy with how certain things in life are going for them, and that they don't have the desire to change their life. Lets call them "Pat"* note this has nothing to do with gorb! Seriously...pat's been one of my only good friends for a while now. Pat's scared me several times in the past, and sometimes we haven't talked for some time...but honestly, aside from my boyfriend Pat's been one of very few people who's been responsible for some of the best times in my life. Pat's one of the few people I really do call a friend, because at heart pat is truly caring, and nice, and gentle. Take a look at urself through my eyes pat...because you do not give your humor, and your personality enough credit. Do not fall into the trap of complacency from convenience. Please embrace life and come out of your shell just a little more. Because there's so much more worth seeing in life. And if you hide safely in the corner you are going to miss some of the most wonderful things you can see. If you truely are happy with your life and where it is going, then I could not be more happy for you...because you are a dear friend to me. But if you are not truely happy, in your relationship, your school work, your job, and where all of your daily routine's are going....please please please have the courage to take a chance on something new. No one can make you happy but yourself. And no one can take you by the hand and show you how to be happy Pat. You have to be willing to look for it. I don't think you've ever believed me when i've told you you've never had a reason to be so reclusive. No pat there is no reason to be overly aggressive in all things, everything has its own pace. But you have to be willing to keep up with life when it starts to go faster : ) It can be very exciting if you'd let it my friend. And sometimes to be truely satisfied..you have to be uncomfortable first. Nothing good comes easy. I'm glad you feel as though you can talk to me, its my honor to call you friend. I'm always rooting for you Pat. :) Current Mood:  sleepless | | 3:36 am |
Ya know...its the strangest thing...and I hate it...for the last...2 and a half hours i've had a feeling..like Im being watched...and its creepin the hell out of me! | | Thursday, July 7th, 2005 | | 12:26 pm |
Your Penis Name is: Little Juan
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| | 11:53 am |
the deeper the hole
How many times can one person "hit bottom" i wonder. So far its been several times in my life. Everything slides helter skelter out of control and i fall. I fall very very far, maybe that's why its so frightening to achieve, because the further up you climb, the longer the drop. And its not self motivated. You cannot tell yourself that "you will not fall and hit bottom" its not a seminar or a self help tape. Its scary to reach out your hands for something to hang onto and realize there's nothing there but air. Scary to feel your stomach churn and your heart leap into your throat to choke you as you fall. When the mantra's fail, and self confidence, or a semblance thereof, gives way its the sickening moment you know you're about to start falling. You don't want to. You fight back. Kick and cry and scream as I might, I can't stop it. The worst part is the aftermath, the "impact" doesn't hurt as much in comparison as you might think, just kinda feels like confusion, and a sense of urgency. Something you have to do...even if everything you do is futile. Getting up again isn't even that hard. You just either go on, or you don't. I think the hardest part for me, is wanting to go on. Do i really want to work so hard? Strive so intensely, and hope so badly that you ignore everything else, only to know in the back of my head that someday, sooner or later, I am just going to fall....again. No. There is no guarantee that something bad will happen again, it just always has before. Something, there's always something that just won't work so that i can make it only so far. I believe its all my fault. Whether I come to the idea by my own thoughts, or have been told it by those around me for so long that I just believe it, I am so flawed, so inept. So very much unfit to live by their standards in this world that I might as well just put a gun in my mouth. I can't change who I am. I can't change how I see things or how I think. I can't be like them. I can't succeed and live the way they do. And its not ok to be different. In words I've been told its ok to be different. In actions, i've been told the opposite. Current Mood: depressed |
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